What Are “Fair Fighting” Rules?

Fair fighting rules are guidelines designed to promote healthy and constructive communication during conflicts, especially in relationships. These rules help individuals resolve disagreements respectfully and productively, avoiding escalation or harm. Below are some commonly accepted fair fighting rules:

1. Stay Focused on the Issue: Address one issue at a time without bringing up past conflicts or unrelated problems.

2. Use "I" Statements: Express your feelings and needs without blaming, such as "I feel hurt when…" instead of "You always…".

3. Avoid Name-Calling and Insults: Focus on resolving the issue, not attacking the other person’s character.

4. Take Responsibility: Own your part in the conflict and avoid defensiveness.

5. No Interrupting: Let the other person speak without cutting them off, and listen actively.

6. Stick to the Present: Avoid bringing up old grievances unless they are directly relevant to the current conflict.

7. Use a Calm Tone: Keep your voice steady and avoid yelling or being aggressive.

8. Take Breaks if Needed: If emotions are running too high, agree to pause and revisit the conversation after calming down.

9. Avoid Absolutes: Don’t use words like "always" or "never," as they exaggerate the problem and can make the other person defensive.

10. Seek Solutions Together: Focus on brainstorming compromises or solutions instead of trying to "win" the argument.

11. Respect Time and Space: Avoid starting arguments at inappropriate times or places.

12. Set Boundaries: Agree on a time limit for discussing conflicts and stick to it.

13. Apologize When Necessary: Acknowledge when you are wrong and offer a genuine apology.

14. Focus on Resolution, Not Retaliation: Aim to resolve the conflict rather than punish or get even.

15. Don’t Threaten: Avoid using threats or ultimatums to manipulate the other person into agreeing with you.

Following these rules creates a safe and respectful environment for resolving conflicts and strengthens communication and trust.

Contact Bee Blissful today if you think you’d benefit from couples counseling. A therapist can help.

Couples Counseling: Conflict Resolution Techniques

Conflict resolution techniques are a big part of couples counseling. These frameworks provide structured approaches to help partners navigate disagreements constructively, strengthen communication, and foster emotional connection. Here are several effective frameworks:

1. Gottman Method: The Four Horsemen and Their Antidotes

• Developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, this method focuses on identifying destructive behaviors in conflict and replacing them with healthier patterns.

• Four Horsemen of Conflict:

  1. Criticism → Antidote: Gentle startup (express feelings without blame).

  2. Defensiveness → Antidote: Taking responsibility.

  3. Contempt → Antidote: Building a culture of appreciation.

  4. Stonewalling → Antidote: Self-soothing to de-escalate.

• Couples also practice the "Softened Start-Up" for initiating difficult conversations gently and the "Repair Attempts" for diffusing tension during disagreements.

2. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT): Cycle De-escalation

• EFT, developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, helps couples recognize and reframe negative interaction cycles driven by unmet attachment needs.

• Steps in Conflict Resolution:

  1. Identify the underlying emotions and unmet needs fueling the conflict.

  2. Share these vulnerable emotions with the partner instead of defensive or aggressive responses.

  3. Rebuild trust and connection by meeting each other’s emotional needs.

  3. Collaborative Problem Solving

• Encourages couples to work as a team to solve problems rather than viewing each other as adversaries.

• Steps:

  1. Define the issue clearly and ensure mutual understanding.

  2. Brainstorm possible solutions together without judgment.

  3. Evaluate options and select a solution that works for both.

  4. Implement the solution and agree to revisit if necessary.

4. Nonviolent Communication (NVC)

• Developed by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, NVC fosters empathetic communication by focusing on feelings and needs.

• Four-Step Process:

  1. Observe the behavior or situation without judgment.

  2. Express feelings honestly (e.g., "I feel hurt when...").

  3. Identify the underlying need (e.g., "I need to feel respected").

  4. Make a clear, actionable request (e.g., "Can we agree to discuss this without interrupting each other?").

  5. Solution-Focused Conflict Resolution

• Focuses on identifying what is working and building on strengths rather than dwelling on problems.

• Steps:

  1. Identify the desired outcome (e.g., "What would resolution look like?").

  2. Discuss what has worked in the past and explore how to replicate those strategies.

  3. Create small, actionable steps toward resolution.

6. Imago Relationship Therapy: Dialogue and Understanding

• Imago therapy, developed by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt, focuses on creating a safe space for couples to communicate.

• Structured Imago Dialogue:

  1. Mirroring: Partner reflects back what they hear (e.g., "What I hear you saying is...").

  2. Validation: Acknowledge the other’s perspective (e.g., "That makes sense because...").

  3. Empathy: Express understanding of their emotions (e.g., "I can imagine that you feel...").

7. Active Listening and “I” Statements

• Emphasizes clear, respectful communication.

• Principles:

  1. Listen actively without interrupting.

  2. Use “I” statements to take ownership of feelings (e.g., "I feel hurt when...")

  3. Paraphrase to confirm understanding (e.g., "So what you're saying is...").

8. Conflict Resolution Ladder

• A step-by-step approach to resolving disputes.

1. Identify the conflict clearly.

2. Explore each partner’s perspective.

3. Acknowledge emotions and validate experiences.

4. Brainstorm solutions collaboratively.

5. Agree on actionable next steps.

6. Reflect on how the solution is working and adjust as needed.

9. Attachment-Based Strategies

• Focuses on creating emotional security and reducing fear-based responses during conflict.

• Steps:

  1. Recognize how attachment needs influence the conflict (e.g., fear of abandonment or rejection).

  2. Shift from blame to expressing vulnerability (e.g., "I feel scared when we argue").

  3. Reassure each other of commitment and safety.

10. Time-Out Framework

• A strategy to prevent escalation.

• Steps:

  1. Partners agree on a signal to pause the conversation when tensions rise.

  2. Take time to calm down individually (e.g., deep breathing, journaling).

  3. Revisit the conversation when both are calm and ready to engage constructively.

Choosing the Right Framework:

Each couple is unique, so the therapist might use one framework or integrate multiple approaches based on the couple’s needs, goals, and communication patterns.

Contact Bee Blissful for help using these frameworks to resolve conflicts in your relationship.